Lifestyle

Feeling Stuck…

Ever sit and wonder how you got to where you are in life. Why are you there, will things get better, why do I feel the way I feel?

About 90% of the time, this is how I feel. Alone, desperate, afraid.

Feeling co-dependent with someone, relying on them for happiness. Well, news flash. You will ALWAYS be disappointed. Which is where I am in life.

Living out of fear, frustration, and aggravation.

It’s crazy because to everyone else I am this happy, smart, athletic person who is seemingly good at most things I am doing in life.

Well, they aren’t completely wrong…I am good at lying.

Lying about how I really feel, lying to others especially, but sometimes to myself.

I am good at pretending and faking.

I pretend that everything is okay, that I am okay. Well, 8/10 I am not okay.

My mother can see that something is wrong and that her youngest daughter is not the same anymore.

I appreciate her noticing, but I’m afraid to be open about everything that is going on in my life.

  1. I don’t want to deal with pity questions and people feeling sorry for me.
  2. I don’t want to worry my parents, my mom especially.
  3. I know that something has to change in life and I am simply just afraid.

I can’t wait to start becoming more independent and having responsibility. I must learn to love myself again and to always do what’s best for me. Because I cannot expect others to put me in front of themselves, it’s time for me to start becoming selfish and doing me.

The way I see it, I can’t feel stuck if I hit the reset button and focus on me. I want to love myself so I won’t have to rely on someone else’s love to help me feel worth it.

 

 

Advertisements
Daily Prompt Posts

Daily Prompt: Uniform

As my teammates and I took to the track in the 4x400m relay last weekend, the consistent thought ran across all of our minds: getting to the NCAA Championships in Eugene, Oregon. My heart raced and raced, but I knew that this 400m would hurt and that the pain would be temporary, but the memory would last forever. I closed my eyes to pray one last time…

BANG!

The gun went off and my teammate shot out from the blocks and moved quickly down the back straightaway. Before I knew it she was on the homestretch and coming right to me. I took one last breath before she handed me the baton…

My heart pounding, mind racing, and legs moving, my body took complete control. By the time we hit the 200m I had passed up the two teams and headed down the homestretch to hand off to my other teammate. We kept the momentum going, which in turn led to us stamping our ticket to Eugene which is where I sit right now typing this post.

I’m sure you’re wondering what this has to do with the word of the day.

My trip to nationals with my teammates inspired this post and my response to the prompt of the day. Later this week, we will wear “OSU” across our chests. We will take to the track to represent our university at a meet where only the best in the nation compete. Putting on our uniforms this Thursday provides us with an amazing opportunity to do something historic for our university. We can become the 1st team to win an indoor All-American title and an outdoor All-American title. (That means top 8 in the nation. We came in 6th at indoor nationals, now it’s time for outdoor.)

So, this week when we put on our uniforms, it’s because we deserve to be here and earned the opportunity to do so. Not only will we be matching in terms of what we are wearing, but our mindset will be in “uniform” as well.

I do not own the rights to the picture above…

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/uniform/

Daily Prompt Posts

The Real Me

Signing my NLI almost 3 years ago was one of the best things in my life. Looking up at the room filled with people as I sat alongside other recruits and signees in my class, I couldn’t help but think about how alone I felt. To the outside world I was living an amazing life, how could I be unhappy?

I was going to college for free, I had good grades, a supportive family, living in a good neighborhood, going to a good school. I had recently lost all of my best friends, I made new friends and was happy, but just felt distant from everyone. Flash forward nearly 3 years and those same feelings still resonate even though I’m in college.

Is it me? Is there something wrong with me? Besides my boyfriend, I don’t have that one person who I feel I can be 100% open and honest with. No one in this world knows all of me and it makes me feel completely disconnected and distant.

Well, actually now that I think about it, with him I can’t even be completely open. I feel stuck in life, with athletics and my personal life especially. It feels like I’m suffocating in front of everyone, except nobody can see me. I know the 1st step to resolving how I feel is first being honest with myself, which is where I am now.

The next step is trying to find someone in life who I feel can be completely open and honest with, without feeling judged and embarrassed. I’m sure you’re probably thinking, “well what about your family?”. I don’t want them to worry about me, but I think it’s time that I just trust that they can handle it.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/distant/

Relationship

us

We rode along in the car, just him and I. The open road ahead of us, windows rolled down, and the music blaring as we sang our favorite songs. Trumpets by Jason Derulo. That’s our song. Anything with a good beat and lyrics that mean something is eligible for the karaoke list on our car rides. But, something about Trumpets stuck out to us. We’ve been together almost 3 years now and we always sing that song together, where one of us is slacking on hitting the notes, the other picks up. Although we both love music and to sing and dance, that’s not what brought us together.

One of the best things about track is him.

It was a normal day of practice at the local gym, my coach and his coach were speaking as him and I warmed up in separate parts of the building. Ironically, our coaches were speaking about us before they eventually introduced us. I had heard of him, he had heard of me…yet, we just hadn’t met. Little did we know, all we need was a little push and guidance. We connected instantly and were together within two months or so. We have so much in common, yet are so different. We compliment each other, but at the same time balance each other out. Track is such a rigorous and relentless sport, but there have been so many positives. One of the best things about track is meeting new people, especially him. From that moment on in the gym…we have been interconnected and have shared something amazing. Our bond is something invaluable…

 

Reblogs

The Pretty Helpful Guide to Self-Care

What an amazing post, it deserves a read..

laughter

Self-care. Self-love. Self-talk. Self-actualization. Some of my favorite words start with “self.” In the overstimulated rat race that this journey can become, it’s so easy to neglect the holism of the person running the race. Exhausting time and energy into anything other than your inner world is easier and safer than the scary and often unchartered plain of self-introspection.

Taking care of yourself is the most significant thing you can do to impact the world, to give yourself the opportunity to impact the world, and yet it’s also the most forgotten. Some of us have such a high tolerance for discomfort in our lives that we rarely ever pause and think, “am I really okay? Beneath the surface, how do I feel about this situation?”

Self-care isn’t something you can do once and check off your to-do list. It’s a process that you have to stay on top of, the same…

View original post 766 more words

Lifestyle

Insert Title Here…

I thought of so many different ways to start this first post and what to even say…but, what I’ve learned over my 20 years of life is that 99% of the time, honesty is the best policy. Now, before you click away..understand that the 1% that I am referring to is when you are meeting your boyfriend or girlfriend’s mom for the first time and she asks, “do you like ______?”. Then, and only then, is it absolutely acceptable to lie. JK…

Everyone needs an outlet in life, writing brings me that…

But, really. I am not sure how to even start other than saying I have wanted to start up a blog for a while now and recently turning 20 called for a new chapter in my life. A little bit about me: I am a student-athlete at OSU and the last couple of years have been filled with blessings, but I’ve also struggled with balancing life and trying to find out who I am. One thing that I did learn is that writing is something I am very passionate about. I truly believe that everyone needs an outlet in life, something that brings them joy and or relief, comfort on hard days, writing is my outlet. It is hard for me to be open and vulnerable, so for now, anonymity is my best route. However, I plan to share about the typical collegiate athlete lifestyle and make things as personal and intimate as possible. I know that some day I will feel comfortable enough to share my story, but step one was putting myself out there.